online dating...

So my friends have been telling me I need to put myself out there more, try new things like maybe online dating since I'm always complaining of being single and there are no guys left in this world. Then again online dating? It hasn’t come to that yet? mhmm I don’t know about this one. 
Let me clear something up, I be fine girl oh, with gorgeous curves am talking extra meat in all the right places, but in this situation "na condition di make njanga ei back bend" I live in this village or na town oh called Spartanburg in South Carolina, the African community here is nonexistent so if that’s all your going for down here you might as well go and join the convent, well there is always long distance which doesn’t work too well for me, hence am open minded.
Ok and maybe am always busy working and don't go out as much but what happened to those days when you went out to a gathering and some better man will be chatting your ear off, and all you did was smile ear to ear and be making "nyanga". I'm not talking about those overly confident married men who think they can wink at you when their wives are not looking, or those 45year old bachelors who think 25year old women are too old for them (those ones will die alone let them be there) and then there are the high esteem facially and fashion challenged men who think they can get any woman by reciting lyrics of 2face "African queen". ..chai I have suffered.
Anyway after a lot of consideration, research and one good testimony with me being a personal witness (my good friend just got married 2 months ago to her online sweetheart and i was there to witness their matrimony it was beautiful, flawless only love between them eh.. i could feel it) I thought to myself so if there are men like this on the  internet, why not try I'll never know. Well i guess it has come to that.
One beautiful weekend I joined this online dating website that same one that my friend met her hubby on, abeg I wasn't going to take  any chances on any other at least I have living testimony on this one. I created my profile simple yet beautiful and informative. I let the internet work its magic.
The next day I had 14 messages, this internet dating thing is working oh,, ha na so, everyone is just writing me left and right. After a few days I got the jist of this thing, am picking and choosing, am filtering through messages and profiles replying some messages I'm getting into the swing of things.
 A few weeks later I’ve narrowed down the list to 3guys, there is this one guy Chris who had caught my attention he well he was the most persistent, he was also from SA(south Africa), 35years old and descent looking from his picture, had a good job as a computer engineer, so he said. He was talking some sense or maybe just saying things that he thought I wanted to hear either way he had a good way with words. so we exchanged numbers and started talking on the phone. ok is it just me or is there anyone else who is turned off by some men’s voices, when i heard his voice i was so turned off, I can’t even describe it, it was deep and squeaky at the same time and when he spoke it was like he was shouting, then again that’s how some of us Africans like to talk on the phone and just be shouting for no reason. I didn't let that stop me from accepting a meet and greet.
The red flags started pouring in with this guy, he was reciting too many "you're my African queen" songs, "no one like you" " my sweet potato" Chris you have never even met me, how do you know that there is " no one like me" and  he'd say, " I know you are the one for me, I prayed about it, i told you to pray about it, am already claiming you as my wife"
"Please oh don’t claim me as your wife, don’t even claim me as your friend, at least until we meet" I'm thinking to myself let me make sure am talking to a human being first.
 We planned a date for the next weekend, dinner on Saturday. Saturday comes guess who was a no call no show. Chris calls me Monday "am sorry my uncle in SA passed away Saturday" ... if this man is lying eh, " oh am sorry are you okay? My condolences, why didn’t you call me Saturday?" he goes” am sorry i was just in shock all day”  ..."I understand, I’ll be praying for you and your family" i was just hiding my anger oh, I hate being stood up, but I’ll let this one go, he had a death in the family.
I didn’t hear from Chris all week, I texted a few times to check on him, since he was "grieving" but  he didn’t respond, I tried calling once and still no response, Ah na by force? Let me let this one go he is bad news. The next weekend comes in, its Saturday morning am sleeping in, catching up from a long week, Chris called me waking me from my sleep "am coming to see you today"... in my sleep i answered "ok" and hung up " na who this sef'" and went back to sleep, I woke up probably like 2hours after to start my day I had invited some few friends for lunch so I was about to whip up some of my delicacies in the kitchen.
Am all dressed up now and my friends and I enjoying some good food, drinks, and good conversation. Chris called again, " am somewhere around your apartment building what number did you say your apartment was"... huh " what are you doing here?"
"i told you I was coming, i called you this morning what’s your apartment number"
eh so this is the fool that called me this morning, am not ready for this, thank God my friends are here and i had cooked something i guess he could just join in for lunch (am too nice, I should have told him to turn back)
"ehmm ok 733, where exactly are you"
"am already here, can you come outside" am thinking thank God, let me even see him first before I introduce him to my friends if he looks anything like his voice in person him, he is going back to where he came from.
Finally am meeting Chris my online date, he came out from his car, and walked out to me and gave me a hug, “you are beautiful" .... ... " oh thank you" Am looking at him from head to toe in my head, am thinking " gosh what is he wearing are we living in 1995, why is walking like that? Is it because he pulled in a Mercedes Benz, abeg that hatchback is a 1999 model. And which 35yrs old he aint fooling me, he was 35, 5yrs ago with that grey beard" am just diagnosing this guy in my head.
"So do you like what you see? Cause am loving what I see, I knew I had found the one the minute I heard your voice"... I know this man didn’t just ask me that... " erhmm no, am sorry I didn’t think you were seriously coming i wasn’t expecting you."
"Am feeling you, you are perfect, you have pretty eyes..." this man just went on and on I had to stop him...”Thank you, do you want to come in, i have some friends upstairs and we were having some lunch and you are welcome to join" listen to this man "am shy, that’s too much pressure" see me badluck oh, I didn’t invite you. "Well I’ll come up for a few mins”... I was wishing he'll say no.
I introduced him to my girlfriends, " Christa, Naome, Nessie, meet my friend Chris he is from SA he just came up to say hi, he wont stay long (hint)"
We all at the dinner table, talking about everything and nothing, Chris is not talking much thank God, I couldn’t stand his voice, but I noticed he keeps looking at one of my friends, he was whispering something to her I couldn’t really hear but I didn’t pay it any attention. My girlfriends left a little soon after Chris came. am here trying to make conversation am asking questions and everything but he is too busy trying to be touchy feely. Na which kind one be this, “please don't be touching me I barely know you? let’s just sit here and get to know each other.
"Sweetie I can’t help myself am so attracted to you, I can just feel it, i know me and you will be together for a long time, don’t you feel the same?"
'Hah... No oh, I don’t even know you, and ..."
"Don’t worry am very certain you ll like me am very confident about that"... at this point i was done
"Ok we’ll see, am sorry to cut this short but i wasn’t expecting you, and i had already made other plans with my coworkers i can't cancel on them am sorry, maybe another time.."(I had to come up with something)
"Sure I understand, I’ll love to take you out sometime"
"That’s fine just call me...”
Thank God that’s over, what did i get myself into. Was I too harsh? I started to feel little sorry. I called him the next day just to check on him and to clear my conscience after that I didn’t hear from Chris anymore.
The next weekend he called me "How are you doing"
"See who decided to reappear from thin air, am fine how are you?
"How is Christa"
"huh... how is Christa? Are you serious?"
"What’s wrong I can't ask about your friends?"
"You must be joking right?"
"No, she has been on my mind a lot lately, can you tell her to call me sometime?"
"You are a fool, she is never calling you and neither am I"
"What’s the big deal i was wondering if you can hook me up with her"
"You are mad! go and crawl back under that rock you have been living in, you don’t deserve a woman in your life, you will die alone... in short.." i hung up(to be honest I said a few more choice words) he had the nerve, that fool.
Online dating mhmmm... no me oh!